i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
