It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
