omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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