I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
