Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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