dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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