Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
