He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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