And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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