i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
