i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
