why didn't you poke me back
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
