He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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