He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
