tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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