i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
