I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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