Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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