I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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