I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
