Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
