If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
