Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
