her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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