I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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