If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
