I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
