My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
