he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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