dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
