Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
