Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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