I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
