i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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