I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Tornado booty call.. dedication
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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