1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
