I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
