and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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