As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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