I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize