MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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