Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
