I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize