Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
