the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
this hospital has no fireball
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He? As in you personified your dick?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
