I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
