she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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