I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
