the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
