Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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