Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
