Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
