why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
