Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize