Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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