I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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