do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Randomize
