So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize