I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
